the most bitter-sweet of days…

Throughout the evening the words, “This has been my favorite Mother’s Day.” have escaped my lips more than once.  As I speak those words, they are true.  In between the times they’ve been spoken, this has been my most painful Mother’s Day.

me and my Mommy

This is my 7th Mother’s Day without a mother.  The pain has come in waves.  I look at pictures of my Mom and listen to recordings of her voice, but the teasers are not enough.  I long to feel her arms wrapped around me.  To feel her cheek pressed against my own.  To feel the warmth of her breath and to inhale her scent.  I want to hold her hands and look into her eyes and thank her for all the things she did right.  Thank you, Suzi, for the voice in my head.  Thank you for blue-green eyes, the no-gray-hair gene, and mad cooking skills.  Thank you for instilling in me compassion for every human being and the passion to make this world a little kinder towards every human being.  Thank you for loving God and His Word and always encouraging me to do the same.  Thank you for my foundation.

Aside from the pain of missing my mother, today has been incredible!  My hubby and kiddos asked what I’d like to do for Mother’s Day.  Without hesitation I said, “Go fishing.”  I also added that I didn’t want any cards or notes and that I didn’t want them to cook for me at home.  Cleaning out my grandmother’s house last summer gave me some very strong opinions on cards and notes and personalized thingies.  When my sister and I cleaned out my Mom’s things we moved the bulk of her sentimental stuff to my grandmother’s.  Which means that last summer we had the painful responsibility pleasure of deciding what to do with two lifetimes of personal stuff.  The majority of the stuff ended up in the trash.  Every anniversary card from my grandfather’s second cousin once removed and birth announcement from someone who worked with my Mom at a temp job she held in 1976, was tossed in a trash bag as I swallowed a capsule full of guilt.

So… I requested that all Mother’s Day sentiments be made out loud.  In a world where the majority of communication happens via text, email, and instant messaging, I personally think we should all try to say a few more things out loud.  I tell my kids all the time that they shouldn’t type anything in a message that they wouldn’t say to a person face to face.  Be it a character assault or a proclamation of love, I firmly believe that it should never be typed if you would not have the backbone to look someone in the eyes and say it.  Guess what?  My kids actually like me.  They told me so.  Their words made me happy and nobody will experience an ounce of guilt over throwing those words in the trash forty years from now.

Breakfast in bed.  Missing my Mom.  Two bags of chocolate.  Hugs.  Kisses.  Church.  Roses.  New fishing license.  Perfect weather.  Several hours of tossing lines (and a teenager’s iphone) into the Chesapeake Bay.  Missing my Mom.  Amazing seafood dinner.  Mint chip ice cream.  Bitter-Sweetness.  Blessed.

 

 

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