Today began with my third consecutive way-too-early morning. I like watching the sunrise, but three days in a row for a night owl like myself, this is just a little ridiculous. In my ultra-tired state I fed the two stimmers and my dear hubby (who had foot surgery two days ago) breakfast and hoped for an hour of peace and a morning nap. While they were eating I checked my email and found the following message from the nurse at my endo’s office…
Hi Ms Calvaresi:
The labs are back, I will have Dr Brackbill the on call fellow review. Them
in his note Dr hoang said he wanted to keep your TSH target between .5-1.0
right now the TSH is 0.024 we will see what Dr Brackbill will say.
I place a t-con to him, let me know if he does not call you.
So… that explains the heart palpitations, exhaustion, and constant tears I’ve been experiencing for a couple of months.
Immediately after receiving confirmation that I’m not healthy, Sofija asked for a cup of milk. One of her favorite stims is to shake any container holding liquid right next to her head. So, unless we’re sitting at the table she still drinks from sippy cups. As I went to put the lid on her cup of milk, she grabbed at the cup, knocking it over and spilling milk all over the countertop, floor, refrigerator, and stove. I screamed and immediately felt tears spilling from my eyes. The words I screamed were, “Why did you do that? Why couldn’t you wait for me to put the lid on it and hand it to you? Now look what you’ve done!” As she ran crying to her Tata’s side on the couch and I began to clean the mess I heard a voice speak loudly and clearly, “Why do you try to take control of situations? Why don’t you wait for ME to finish MY job and then hand you what I’ve promised? How many messes do you make because you stop having faith or being patient?” As my tears began to pour from my eyes to my chin to the puddle of milk on the floor, I replied, “I got it, God.”
Isaiah 40:31 AMP But those who wait for the Lord [who expect, look for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their strength and power; they shall lift their wings and mount up [close to God] as eagles [mount up to the sun]; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired.
Throughout this last year, if you asked me to describe my state of mind, I could wrap it up in one word. Despair.
[dih-spair] noun loss of hope; hopelessness. verb (used without object)to lose, give up, or be without hope (often followed by of ): to despair of humanity.
Obsolete . to give up hope of.
1. gloom, disheartenment. Despair, desperation, despondency, discouragement, hopelessness refer to a state of mind caused by circumstances that seem too much to cope with. Despair suggests total loss of hope, which may be passive or may drive one to furious efforts, even if at random: in the depths of despair; courage born of despair. Desperation is usually an active state, the abandonment of hope impelling to a furious struggle against adverse circumstances, with utter disregard of consequences: an act of desperation when everything else had failed. Despondency is a state of deep gloom and disheartenment: a spell of despondency. Discouragement is a loss of courage, hope, and ambition because of obstacles, frustrations, etc.: His optimism yielded to discouragement. Hopelessness is a loss of hope so complete as to result in a more or less permanent state of passive despair: a state of hopelessness and apathy.
I have allowed myself to experience the exact opposite of hope. For the last couple of months I have chosen to put a magnifying glass over every little detail of my life that seems hopeless. And you know where it’s gotten me? No.Where. Well, that’s not exactly true. Focusing on all the little aspects of my life that seem hopeless have made me bone-weary. In all that weariness, I have found my way to days spent in bed or on the couch. I’ve experienced a level of exhaustion that I don’t think I even knew existed.
Some of you know that I follow/belong to the Momastery
. If you aren’t already a part of our group, you should be. Our fearless facilitator Glennon has a magical way of putting things into perspective and making you want to share your truth and give all the love you can muster. After crying over the spilled milk and coming to terms with the revelation that I keep making messes out of situations because I don’t trust God to handle things, I sat my exhausted butt in a chair and read Glennon’s blogpost from today.
And I remembered. I HAVE TO invite God into every single moment of my day. In my moments of despair I need to be yelling, “COME IN! COME IN!”
Despair is the opposite of hope. I want hope. I choose hope. I do not choose despair. People (including me) love to quote Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord. Plans for good and not for disaster. Plans to give you HOPE and a future.” Here’s the problem with quoting that verse all by itself. There’s more to it. verses 12-13 In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.
Do you see it? “In THOSE DAYS WHEN YOU PRAY, I will listen.” “If you look for me WHOLEHEARTEDLY, you WILL find me.” God wants to give me/you/we/us hope. But He will never ever force it on us. We have to ask. We have to seek him wholeheartedly. He knows when we’re doing it half-assed. Half-assed isn’t good enough. Half-assed faith does not bring about hope.
So here’s the deal. The mess with my dear hubby’s work that began on December 3rd 2011, is still a mess. In fact, due to him grabbing at the cup and not being still and waiting, it’s probably a bigger mess. My health is a mess. As I’ve wallowed in despair and lived out my half-assed faith for the last twelve months, I’ve completely neglected my body. As a cancer survivor, I don’t have the luxury of neglecting my body. I see alot of Philippians 4:13 in my future…. “I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!” I’ve lost my grandmother and her two sisters in the last six months. All of my “Mamas” are gone. I still have a wonderful step-Mom and mother-in-law, but the group of women who raised me and had a huge influence over the woman I am today, are all gone. There is a HUGE void in my life. Sofija has regressed. Just at the point when we were ready to celebrate the fact that she had gone months without showing any aggression or wetting her bed or rocking at night or hurting herself, it ALL came back. We’ve had several weeks of damn near hell with our baby girl. She has marks all over her body again where she keeps hurting herself. And guess what? Instead of screaming out “Come in, God!” “We need YOU, GOD!” I’ve looked at the marks on her body as I’ve dried her after a bath, hung my head, and cried in despair. I’ve picked her up from school, witnessed the disheveled state of her teachers, the marks on their arms and faces inflicted by my child, and I’ve hung my head and cried. I’ve grown weary. I’ve forgotten.
Thank you God, that today is a new day. Thank you that your mercy and love and stability and faithfulness
are new each morning. Thank you for grace and thank you for helping us clean up the milk that we spill out of our own stubborn pride. Thank you for promised strength. Today I choose all these things. I choose mercy and love and stability and faithfulness and grace and all the help you’re willing to give me. I choose the antonym of despair. I choose HOPE.