my own medicine

Many years ago I found myself struggling with thoughts and memories that led to pain and anger.  At the time, I had a newborn baby and my husband was away doing military training.  There was no time to sit and have a pity party.  So, I bought a notebook and starting writing down all the junk in my head.  Most of what I wrote would not have made sense to anyone trying to read it.  I don’t think I used punctuation or capitalization and when the really painful things came to my mind, I often just scribbled so hard that I tore the paper. Over the course of two weeks, I filled two notebooks.  When I was done, I tore the pages out, one by one, and burned them in our fireplace.  The catharsis of that moment cannot be described with words.

In the years since, I have advised countless people to do the same.  Getting the junk out of your head has been the Kaci cure-all prescription.  The disclaimer on the prescription was to describe just how important it was to try the write-burn process before verbalizing any destructive or painful thoughts. Proverbs 18:21 is pretty clear about the power of our words.  They can bring life and they can bring death.  If you want to know more about the power of our words, click the link and read James 3:1-12When it comes to verbalizing the negative thoughts we have about other people, Miranda rights always apply……”Anything you say can and WILL be used against you…..”  But….what you scribble in a notebook and burn, is just between you and God.

Although the knowledge of the importance of purging destructive thoughts has been with me for ages, it has been a while since I’ve practiced what I preach.  Yesterday an issue came up between me and my dear hubby.  It was one of those issues where we have completely opposite opinions concerning a third party.  Our vast differences of opinions has challenged us to agree to disagree. Does anyone ever really master that?  If you have any suggestions on exactly how it’s done, please share.

After 24 hours of resisting the urge to defend my stance (for the umpteenth time), I pulled out a journal and started writing.  By the time I got to page three I realized that it was about time I took a dose of my own medicine.  The last twelve months have been about as close to hell as I care to get.  On more occasions than I care to count, I have had flashbacks to my high school ceramics class.  Our family has been placed in a kiln, endured ridiculously hot fire, taken out of the fire only long enough to cool down and have the next layer of glaze applied, and placed back in the kiln so we could endure the fire all over again. God has delivered on his promise from Isaiah 43:2, the flames have not consumed us.  Similar to the teacup I made in my ceramics class, each trip through the fire brought the impurities in our lives to the surface.  God has ripped away toxic relationships and stripped us of roles and titles that were not a part of our identity in Him.

Through our refining process I tried to document what was happening by blogging.  What I failed to do was purge my mind of all the junk.  While writing in my journal today, I discovered that the junk is in abundance.  I can’t say that the writing I’ve done so far has achieved any progress in the “agree to disagree” situation with my dear hubby (I do hope that someday I can learn to live out Matthew 5:43-44 the way that he does.), but I do already feel the kind of freedom that only comes when you consciously forgive someone.  And… I still have a lot of purging to do.  If you haven’t heard from me in two or three days, please check on me.

Note to self: It is not wise to spend a year walking in and out of a furnace without repeated doses of the Kaci cure-all.

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